"Isaac," I said to my older son, "your brother is in the bath. Can you please help bring him his towel?"
Without skipping a beat, he answered, "What do I get for that?"
"What?! You don't get anything for that. You just do it." I told him. Puzzled by his response, I wondered where this sense of entitlement came from.
When I was growing up, helping around the house was expected. I never got rewarded for vacuuming the house every Saturday, taking out the garbage or recycling, or pitching in with the gardening. My parents encouraged me when they saw me helping out and gradually gave me more responsibilities, assigning regular tasks to both me and my brother. (He, being four years older than me, would often get me to complete his chores for him, but that's beside the point!)
As my wife and I raise our two sons, we try to emphasize that helping around the house is part of being in the family. We want to empower our kids by giving them responsibilities and teaching them the goodness of work. By giving them chores, we hope to instill in them an understanding of the innate sense of satisfaction and reward that comes from doing good work.
Research supports the value of assigning chores to children. In her TED Talk, "How to raise successful kids - without over-parenting," author Julie Lythcott-Haims elaborates, "The longest longitudinal study of humans ever conducted is called the Harvard Grant Study. It found that professional success in life comes from having done chores as a kid, and the earlier you started, the better." [1] What gets you ahead in life, according to Lythcott-Haims, is a "roll-up-your-sleeves, pitch-in mindset, a mindset that says, there's some unpleasant work, someone's got to do it, it might as well be me; a mindset that says, I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the whole." [2] This kind of mindset can be taught and practiced by completing chores.
The second important factor in happiness as an adult, shown from the Harvard Grant Study, is "love, not love of work, [but] love of humans: our spouse, our partner, our friends, our family. So childhood needs to teach our kids how to love, and they can't love others if they don't first love themselves, and they won't love themselves if we can't offer them unconditional love." [3]
In our family, we don't pay our kids for completing chores. Money is not the primary motivator. Popular culture may say that more wealth = more comfort = happiness, but that's not true and we don't want that to be our kids' understanding of wealth. Ultimately, if you're not content with what you're doing now, more money won't make you more content. We want our kids to appreciate the blessings that we already have and the love God has already given us.
So how do we encourage our kids to do their chores? Here are a few ideas:
1. Model a good attitude
As parents, our own approach to chores can communicate that chores are boring tasks to be avoided at all costs. Or, we can communicate that they are an essential part of running a household and that everyone in the family is expected to participate. We can be creative in making the tasks meaningful and even fun. Barbara Coloroso, author of Kids Are Worth It! suggests that if parents "do chores with a sense of commitment, patience and humor, our children will have a model to do likewise." [4]
2. Start them young
In a fascinating article called, "How to Get Your Kids to Do Chores (Without Resenting It),” psychologist Suzanne Gaskins came across Indigenous families in Mexico whose children all happily and willingly helped with many household tasks, taking great pride in being able to be useful within the family.
Researchers looked into this pattern of behaviour and discovered that one of the things they did differently from typical middle-class North American families was nurture their toddlers' natural interest and inclination to help. Surprisingly, they also found that toddlers weren't as likely to help a second time if they were given a toy as a reward. "Children appear to have an intrinsic motivation to help. And extrinsic rewards seem to undermine it," [5] reported psychologists Felix Warneken and Michael Tomasello.
These families welcomed their toddlers' help and viewed it as an opportunity to build bonds with their children. They made sure their kids had many occasions to watch the chores being done and then invited them to participate, even if it meant more mess or it took more time. Over time, the children would grow and develop competence, eventually owning the tasks and volunteering to complete them. [6]
3. Take advantage of natural interests
The type of activity that my older son, Isaac, wants to help with is different than what my younger son, Noah, is interested in. Isaac loves getting meals ready, chopping vegetables, and other kinds of food preparation. Sometimes he'll come help without asking. And if we ask him, he'll do it.
Noah, on the other hand, has zero interest in the kitchen. But if it's something to do with fixing up the house or car, he's there. Working in the garage, washing the car, painting, or going to Home Depot catches his interest and he'll often ask, "Can I try?"
Noticing what they're each interested in makes it easier and requires less nagging. Of course, there are things that need to get done that aren't interesting to anyone, but having at least a few chores line up with interests makes it a bit more pleasant.
4. Cast a vision
"The goal is to raise adults who can balance a caring role in their families and communities with whatever lifetime achievement goals they choose. Chores teach that balance. They’re not just chores — they’re life skills," [7] author KJ Dell'Antonia reminds us.
Cleaning the toilet isn't simply a necessary job because the toilet is dirty today. Eventually, my kids will live in their own homes and they'll need to know how to clean those toilets too. When they see that these skills are equipping them for when they're "grown up," it gives them extra incentive to learn how to do it now.
5. Do it together
In the article with the study on Mexican Indigenous families, researchers concluded that, "A big motivating force for young children is being around their family, working on a common goal. This motivation is lost if we divide up chores so everyone is working solo (or give kids mock work)." [8] You don't need to force children to participate, but by inviting them to join you, they'll feel wanted and valued.
So if you're cleaning the home, let everyone have a part - someone vacuums, someone move the chairs, someone dusts, etc. Or if you're folding laundry, have everyone fold everyone's clothes.
6. Celebrate work well done
Sometimes when the kids have done something over and above their usual, I’ve taken them out and bought them something as a reward. As a family, after a full day of spring cleaning, we like to go out to one of our favourite places for dinner. It's important to acknowledge and celebrate work well done, both for the kids, and for ourselves as parents.
Conclusion
Chores, when viewed as opportunities for connection and training ground for developing life skills can be rewarding in and of themselves. Research supports the value of giving children responsibilities starting at a young age. Author KJ Dell'Antonia sums it up well, "Children who help more at home feel a larger sense of obligation and connectedness to their parents, and that connection helps them weather life’s stressful moments — in other words, it helps them be happier. Their help, even when it’s less than gracious, helps their parents be happier, too." [9]
Happier children, happier parents. Isn't that what we all aim for?
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