The Pros and Cons of Siblings Sharing a Room (and Other Factors to Consider)
Should my children share a room?
This is a question many parents have to wrestle with. A quick search on the internet will bring up countless articles listing the benefits and drawbacks of siblings sharing a room, their comment sections populated with numerous first-person accounts detailing experiences both positive and negative. The decision is not as straight forward as a list of pros and cons however, many factors affect the choice and each situation is unique.
So how do you choose? Today I'll share the advantages and disadvantages I've seen, along with some key factors to consider when making the decision of whether or not to have children share a room.
PROS
Bonding
For most people, the number one benefit to room sharing is increased opportunities for bonding between the siblings. Growing up in Korea, my brother and I shared a room. I liked the fact that my brother was beside me and that we could play until we fell asleep. Even after we moved to Canada and we got separate rooms, once in a while, we would find ourselves sleeping in the same room since my brother had a queen bed and we would play in his room.
For my own two boys, Isaac (age 10) and Noah (age 7), I often hear them laughing, giggling, and talking about things before they fall asleep. Sometimes they will wrestle and fight on their beds. Other times, they will transform their room into a fort. As parents, it's fun to see them creating memories that they will remember when they are older.
Comfort
It's comforting to have someone who knows you well be in the same room at night. According to James Crist, licensed clinical psychologist and co-author of Siblings: You're Stuck With Each Other, So Stick Together, "Anxious kids, in particular, often have a much easier time falling asleep when they have someone in the same room or even in the same bed." [1] Some parents report that instead of climbing into the parents' bed, their kids will snuggle up with their sibling instead.
Lessons in Sharing
Living in close proximity naturally lends itself to many occasions to practice sharing. "Children who share a room learn a lot about give-and-take and tend to work things out on their own when given the chance," says Dr. Patricia Dalton, a clinical psychologist and family therapist in Washington, DC. [2] These lessons in accommodating others and speaking up for one's own needs help prepare children for other contexts as adults, such as living with roommates in a dorm or working in shared office spaces. Sharing a room also makes it easier to adjust to when travelling together as a family, where siblings often have to share a room on the road.
Developing Emotional Intelligence
Along with learning to share, working out differences can serve to develop emotional intelligence in children. According to Adele Faber, co-author of Siblings Without Rivalry, "Children who share a room are learning how to live together, tune in to each other's feelings, compromise, problem-solve, and defend themselves... It's an experience that brings benefits they can use in future relationships." She suggests encouraging siblings to think of solutions to their problems and only offering ideas if they get stuck. "But it's not just the solution that's important; it's the attitude that develops from working things out. The result is a willingness to be flexible and a sensitivity to each other's feelings." [3]
Developing emotional intelligence takes time and intention from us as parents, but it pays off in the long run when our children grow up to be flexible and solution-oriented adults who are sensitive to others.
Efficient Use of Resources
Practically speaking, room sharing is more resource efficient. By only needing to have lights, heat (if electric), humidifier, or air conditioner in one room, it uses less electricity. My kids share the same closet and dresser, so it could be said we've had to buy less furniture. By having only one bedroom to clean, arguably, both kids can tidy up more quickly (whether it actually happens is another question!).
CONS
Germs
The biggest drawback to siblings sharing a room is that they also share their germs more easily. Particularly in preschool and Kindergarten, kids bring home all sorts of illnesses and those germs get passed around. If one kid is sick, more often than not, the other one will catch it. And then a new germ will come home and the cycle perpetuates.
Lack of Privacy or Solitude
Most often, the older sibling will want more privacy or solitude than the younger sibling. A shared room may feel like there isn't enough personal space for each child. In the past year or so, my older son, Isaac, has started asking for a quiet space he can be in alone. So either we have to occupy Noah somewhere else in the house while Isaac stays in their room, or we will open up our bedroom for him to go to.
Mess
If your kids keep their toys in their room, the potential for mess is doubled. And because the responsibility for the room is shared, sometimes neither of them will take ownership and clean it up.
More Fights
The flip side of learning to share and negotiate is lots of opportunities for disagreements and arguing. It takes a lot of patience to teach your kids how to resolve conflicts in a healthy and constructive manner. Individual rooms would make it easier to avoid some of these fights, but it would also make it easier for your kids to avoid learning conflict resolution skills.
FACTORS TO CONSIDER
Age
How old your children are and how large the age gap is between them will affect how suited they are to sharing a room. In a LA Times article, "Claire B. Kopp, a developmental psychologist and professor at Claremont Graduate University whose research focuses on how young children manage emotions, says room-sharing works best when siblings are close in age. If their developmental levels are too disparate, problems may arise." [4]
In our family, we put our boys in the same room when Noah was no longer a baby and didn't need to wake up multiple times a night. Being 3 years apart, they are at close enough stages of development that their interests are still mostly shared. Eventually, when they are teenagers, I expect they will want their own rooms.
Gender
If your kids are opposite gender, room sharing might work for the early years but eventually, they would probably need separate rooms. I don't have a daughter, but if I did, I'd probably allow them to share a room until Kindergarten.
Sleep habits and schedules
Some children are naturally heavy sleepers. Some are super light sleepers. While most children eventually adapt to the noise of their sibling, sharing a room might not work well for a child who wakes easily. Also, depending on their age or stage of development, one child might sleep and wake earlier than the other. A child who is in grade school might be upset if his toddler brother keeps waking him at the crack of dawn every morning.
Temperament
An introverted child will want more alone time and personal space than an extroverted child. After my family moved to Canada, my brother and I had our own rooms. As the more extroverted one, I barely spent time in my room. I would study in the living room and common spaces. My brother, on the other hand was an introvert. He would spend hours in his room, drawing or playing the guitar.
If one of your children has special needs, sharing a room may not be suitable.
Space
The physical space of your home is also a factor in the decision. According to the Chicago Tribune, "The median size of a new single family home in 1995 was 1,950 square feet, and 30 percent of new homes had four bedrooms or more, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. In 2014, the median size had increased by 550 square feet to 2,500 square feet, and 46 percent of new single-family homes had four bedrooms or more." [5]
Extra bedrooms aren't necessarily for children, however. Maybe you want a play room, or an office, or a guestroom instead. You need to look at your family's needs, as well as what space you have to work with.
If you choose to have your kids share a room, make sure you have spaces in your home where they can go for solitude and areas they can call their own to keep their personal belongings.
In our home, bedrooms are for sleeping and changing. I don't ever want to put a computer or TV in the kids' room. We try to have all the homework and computer time in a common space, as much as possible. This is also a good practice to establish so that in the future, our kids won't be online on their own in their rooms.
Budget
Finally, you need to consider your budget. Can you afford a place with extra rooms, if you want them? If not, how will you work within your resources? There are stories of families whose children share a room but use curtains to separate the space. With some creativity and thought, you can make the most of the space you have.
CONCLUSION
As parents, we want to give our children the best and help them develop into healthy, well-adjusted adults who have strong relationships. Room sharing is one of those things that, if built on a strong relational foundation, can continue to foster a close connection between siblings. But if the children aren't relating to each other with mutual respect and love, or if there are circumstances that make room sharing too stressful, being forced to live in close quarters can end up being detrimental.
Martin Ford, who is the senior associate dean in the College of Education and Human Development at George Mason University in Fairfax, Va., and an expert in child social development, shares this advice: "Parents would be wise to observe their children, talk with their children, and do some informal experimentation to try to address what kind of living circumstances would best match their child's personality and developmental needs." [6]
The decision to have siblings share a room is a multi-faceted conversation. Ultimately, you want your family's living arrangements to serve who you want yourselves and your children to become.
References:
1 https://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/sc-shared-rooms-family-0524-20160522-story.html
4 https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-2006-mar-16-hm-sharing16-story.html
5 https://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/sc-shared-rooms-family-0524-20160522-story.html
6 https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-2006-mar-16-hm-sharing16-story.html