Scenario 1
Our whole family is outside and our kids are playing with the neighbours' kids. A parent of one of the other kids asks them all to clean up. My kids immediately start putting things away. I look at my wife and wonder, "Why don't they do this when we ask them at home?"
Scenario 2
After church, our kids' Sunday School teacher comes up to us and beams, "Your kids listen so well in class. They're so helpful with the other kids too!" I think to myself, "Are these the same kids as the ones I have at home?"
Scenario 3
At golf lessons, the instructor tells the kids to swing this way and they immediately do what he tells them. Later, when I take them to the driving range and make suggestions to them, they look at me like they're bored and insist on doing it their own way.
This trend of my kids listening more to other adults than to me as their parent is so puzzling. I'm pretty sure it's not just in my household, I've heard other parents complain about this phenomenon too. Why is this? And what do we do about it?
Why Kids Won't Listen to Parents
Although it is a rather common occurrence, surprisingly, there hasn't been too much published research about why kids seem to listen better to other adults. One common explanation is that children feel safest with their parents so they don't feel the need to maintain approval by cooperating. They know you will love them regardless. Crystal I. Lee, a licensed psychologist, explains it like this, “Kids push boundaries, have meltdowns, and are so much worse around their parents because they feel safe and secure with their parents.” [1]
Another explanation is that they spend a lot of energy behaving well when they're out of the home so when they do come home, they let all their negative emotions out. Because, again, parents are the safest relationship. In this light, them acting out against you is a backhanded compliment: they feel safest with you!
Deborah MacNamara, PhD, author of Rest, Play, Grow and faculty member at the Neufeld Institute explains it differently, introducing a concept called "counterwill." According to MacNamara, "Counterwill refers to the instinct to resist, counter, and oppose when feeling controlled or coerced. You can feel it arise inside of you when someone tells you what to think, do, or feel. This isn’t a mistake or a flaw in human nature, and, like all instincts, serves an important function. The challenge for parents is that immaturity makes a child more prone to expressions of resistance." [2] Counterwill is a self-protective response against coercion as well as a useful instinct in the growth of a child as they develop their own perspective on life and mature into a unique individual.
How Do We Respond?
As tempting as it is to keep nagging our children and asking them, "Why don't you listen to me?" or even demanding, "Listen to me now!" maybe this unique (and frustrating) dynamic between parents and kids is a built-in reality so that we need to involve the "village" and have other trusted adults speak into our kids' lives. This is not to say that you just leave parenting to other people, but there are times when other voices can help to supplement yours. You can leverage this tendency to help build into your kids.
Carey Nieuwhof, former lawyer and current pastor and teacher, has a piece entitled, "Why Your Kids Need Five Other Adults in their Lives." In it, he writes, "...sometimes the last person [kids] want to talk to is a parent. I’m sure there are parents who say, 'my kid will talk to me.' But let me ask you something, did you tell your parents everything? Exactly!" [3] In a similar vein, sometimes the last person your kids want to listen to is a parent, so it's helpful to have other adults to speak wisdom and truth to them.
My brother Jason and his wife Sayaka are wonderful role models for my kids. In Korean, you call your dad’s older brother keun appa which means “older dad.” Younger brother is called jageun appa, “younger dad.” Jason plays the keun appa role well. When Jason is in a silly mood, he can get the kids laughing and playing with great delight. While he can be silly, he is also strict. My kids know that about him and listen well to him. They know to treat him with respect. Jason and Sayaka are people I trust with my children and their presence adds value to my kids' lives.
Here's another example: Not long ago, I took my kids fishing. Isaac had wanted to go for the longest time, so we attended a Learn to Fish program (by Freshwater Fisheries Society of BC) and I bought each son a fishing rod. My dad's interest was piqued and he suggested we test out the rods at Como Lake. As their grandpa, he relished the time spent together with them. Fishing, after all, takes a lot of time and patience. And in the waiting, there are many opportunities for conversation, connection, and simply being out in nature.
When it came time to teach the kids how to cast, I stepped back and let my dad do it. I wanted it to be a bonding experience for them. And besides, they probably listened to him better anyway.
It irks me sometimes that my kids seem to listen to other adults more readily than they listen to us as parents. Maybe their not listening is extra incentive for us to surround them with quality, trusted adults. As parents, we are our kids' main influencers, but perhaps we aren't meant to be the only ones speaking into their lives.
References:
1. https://www.rd.com/advice/parenting/why-kids-behave-worse-around-their-parents/
2. https://neufeldinstitute.org/the-surprising-secret-behind-kids-resistance-and-opposition/
3. https://theparentcue.org/why-your-kids-need-five-other-adults-in-their-lives/