Recently, one of the sermons at our church was about why there is evil in life when God is good. Why doesn't God rescue us from all that is difficult in life? This got me thinking about how much suffering, disappointment, and challenge I allow my own kids to experience. Letting my kids fail, though a bit counter-intuitive, is actually what will equip them for success as adults, according to a number of authors.
Building Resilience vs. Protecting Self-Esteem
Failing and trying again is called resilience. It's something I hope to build into my sons but I know I can easily hinder that growth from happening by jumping in to solve their problems too quickly. Author and teacher Jessica Lahey describes it well, "Out of love and a desire to protect our children’s self-esteem, we have bulldozed every uncomfortable bump and obstacle out of their way, depriving our children of the most important lesson of childhood: that setbacks, mistakes and failures are the very experiences that will teach them how to be resourceful, persistent, innovative and resilient." [1]
I think back to the time when our family was in Whistler and my son was on his bike riding among some obstacles. I knew that with the particular skillset and size of bike that he had, he would most likely fall. And I watched as he did. He sustained some scratches, got back up, and kept riding. In the past, I would have warned him and stopped him, but this time, I wanted him to experience and learn for himself. By falling, he realized that his bike was too small for that obstacle. A couple scratches would not kill him and he would remember the lessons from that experience. Even more, he would gain confidence that he could fall and keep going.
Children Bounce Back from Failure
Clinical psychologist Dr. Stephanie O'Leary points out that failing is easier to bounce back from the younger a child is. Just as a child has a shorter distance to fall physically when they're younger, the consequences of failing are less dire in preschool than in high school. She also explains, "Being challenged instills the need for hard work and sustained efforts, and also demonstrates that these traits are valuable even without the blue ribbon, gold star, or top score. Over time, children who have experienced defeat will build resilience and be more willing to attempt difficult tasks and activities because they are not afraid to fail." [2]
Dr. O'Leary also argues that hardship builds character and empathy. "Without having first-hand experience with failure, it's hard for kids to relate to others who are struggling." [3]
Allowing my children to try and fail communicates that we as parents trust them. "Constantly intervening sends the message that you don’t trust your child to manage their own fate — which might inspire them to stop trying to overcome new challenges altogether," says psychologist Dr. Lynn Margolies. [4] Although it's hard not to jump in when I see them struggling, it's helpful if I keep in mind the type of adult I want them to become.
If I'm honest, sometimes my motivation for protecting my children from failures is my own ego. I can attach my value as a parent to the success of my children. Journalist Caroline Bologna explains it this way, "Like everyone, parents tend to look for concrete indicators of success and progress. But because there are no parenting report cards or performance evaluations, they simply look to their kids’ achievements and co-opt them." [5] Similarly, as Jessica Lahey notes, because our world is full of dangers, "...when we tuck our kids in to bed at night, free of cuts, bruises or emotional hurt, we have, for one more day, found tangible evidence of our parenting success." [6]
The Time I Regretted Helping My Son
Sometimes, I intervene because it's more efficient. Last year, my son had a speech presentation. He wanted to have it typed out but it was getting late and he was struggling with getting the typing done. So I jumped in and quickly finished typing it up for him so that he could get on with practicing his speech. Seeing me finish it in minutes, he started asking me to type other things for him. Of course I tell him he needs to do it so he can practice and get better at it. Typing his speech for him saved time and allowed him to practice his speech that one time, but the long-term outcome wasn't what I had wanted.
Making Failure Acceptable
Creating a home where failure is not only acceptable but expected is counter-cultural. Sara Blakely, a highly successful entrepreneur, tells the story of how her father would ask them every night at the dinner table, "How did you fail today?" [7]
In contrast, "according to the Child Mind Institute, children who internalize the idea that failure is unacceptable are often vulnerable to anxiety, fear change and are reluctant to try new things." [8]
The Story of My Almost Fatal Car Accident
In my own life, I've seen how failure has shaped me. When I was 20, I had everything. I had a car, I would hang out with friends, and I could do whatever I wanted to. Then I got into a severe car accident. When the firefighters arrived on the scene, they thought I was dead. That's how bad it was.
This isn’t the actual car crash (I don’t have a photo of that), but my crash was as bad as this one
In the hospital, I had lots of time to think about life. What was the reason I wake up each day? Would I be able to do what I wanted to do in the future?
Recovery was 3-6 months which, to a 21-year-old, felt like forever. My wrist had been broken and my knee torn. Neither moved properly. I had a scar on my face. Prior to the accident, I had been an avid golfer and people had encouraged me to consider modeling. Now it seemed like golf was taken away, my future in the modeling career was shot, I couldn't walk properly, and my car was gone.
On top of all the loss, I suffered from ongoing pain. The skin graft on my face needed 4 subsequent procedures and I had migraine headaches regularly. I tried to put on a smile and keep it together in front of people but some days were complete write offs due to all the pain.
My self-confidence plummeted and I started drinking more, smoking weed, hanging out with the wrong crowd, and coming home at 2am or 3am. But the one question that kept following me was, "Why did God not let me die?" There must be a reason, I thought.
Here’s a photo of what I looked like back then
So I returned to our church young adult group in search for the answer, and was welcomed back by many familiar faces. It was there that I met Jenny, the woman who would become my wife. Jenny was petite, upbeat, and cheerful. Being the organizer of youth group events, she fearlessly came up to a tall, silver-haired guy to invite me to the next outing. God used Jenny to bring light into my life during a time of difficult questions.
I went through my fair share of struggles after the accident, but it prompted me to dig deep, ask hard questions, search for answers, and live intentionally. Had I not experienced the struggles, I would not have become the person I am today.
Conclusion
According to retired professor and author Kim Metcalfe, “Parents who give permission for kids to fail are building social and emotional skills and qualities that last a lifetime ― persistence, positive self-image, self-confidence, self-control, problem-solving, self-sufficiency, focus and patience.” [9] Of course, I don't wish my kids would have to go through the degree of failure I experienced, but I have hope that even if they do, they will emerge from it stronger and wiser.
Resources:
1. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/sep/05/parenting-tomorrow-why-should-let-children-fail
2. https://www.inc.com/christina-desmarais/want-to-raise-successful-kids-let-them-fail.html
3. Ibid.
4. https://thriveglobal.com/stories/why-it-s-important-to-let-your-kid-fail/
5. https://www.huffingtonpost.ca/entry/teaching-kids-failure-resilience_l_5c882690e4b038892f485ba9
6. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/sep/05/parenting-tomorrow-why-should-let-children-fail
7. https://medium.com/the-mission/ep-211-sara-blakely-what-i-learned-from-spanx-founder-sara-blakely-834672e533ce
8. https://thriveglobal.com/stories/why-it-s-important-to-let-your-kid-fail/
9. https://www.huffingtonpost.ca/entry/teaching-kids-failure-resilience_l_5c882690e4b038892f485ba9